BEST AND WORST THINGS ABOUT UNEMPLOYMENT
Unemployment. When you hear (or see) that word you automatically conjure images of people standing in the line at Centrelink with scruffy beards, don't you?
Well, I'm unemployed. And I'm pretty sure I don't have a scruffy beard. But that's only because I'm genetically incapable. I weep every time a Gilette ad comes on. Sometimes I collect my cat's stray hairs, glue them to my face and then shave them off just so I can experience the sensation of shaving. Nor am I typing this from the line at Centrelink. I'm in a blanket cocoon on my bed typing with my nose so my arms aren't exposed to the cold. #yoloswag
Overall, being unemployed is a double-edged sword. It's actually not entirely bad. In fact, sometimes it can be really good. It gives you freedom and a generally stress-free lifestyle. I often find myself climbing the big tree in my frontyard and screaming CAPITALIST PIGS at people in my spare time. I'd never be able to do that if I had a job. But yes, other times it can be shit. I also often find myself armed with a sharp rock scraping bark off aforementioned tree in an attempt to make my own money because apparently you 'can't pay the baker' with a 'jar of saliva'.
#MoneyTreeWishesHeExisted #SoDoIBro #So #Do #I #:(
Here are the Best & Worst Things About Being Unemployed:
1. WATCHING DAYTIME TV (GOOD)
Here are the Best & Worst Things About Being Unemployed:
1. WATCHING DAYTIME TV (GOOD)
I LOVE DAYTIME TV. I wake up at 9 to watch the The Circle, then it's Wurrawhy at 11:30, followed by Ellen at 12 and Ready Steady Cook at 2. Such a beautiful, jobless routine. While you suckers are 'working' and 'making a living', I'm catching up with The Circle Galz and discussing all things from cinnamon cake to Lara Bingle. Heaven- oh it's a place on earth alright.
2. THE DOCTORS (BAD)
I HATE THE DOCTORS. The Doctors is a satanic show that lives in the darkest caves of the daytime TV realm. Next to Dr. Phil and Judge Judy. If you haven't seen it before (you lucky soul) it's a fucking terrible show that's always on when you finally decide to emerge from your room sporting a hangove- OH GOD WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT TOE FUNGI #WobblesBackIntoRoomToHaveAnotherNap. Well, it's even more inescapable when you're jobless and at home most afternoons. I honestly don't know how this show even exists. I have to stop talking about it because it's legitimately putting me in a sour mood.
4. BEING TAUNTED BY SONGS ABOUT MONEY (BAD)
Sure, I don't have much money, but I don't like to be reminded of that sad fact. However, you'd be surprised to find how many songs there are about money. They won't leave me alone.
What's 50 grand worth to a muhfucker like you, Jay Z? You want me to remind you? Oh wait, that's a rhetorical question. You're implying that it means nothing. WELL I'LL GLADLY RELIEVE YOU OF THAT CASH. #CapitalistPig
Or what about 'Price Tag' by Jessie J? I was driving around town the other day when it came on the radio. "We don't need your money, money, money," she teases. "We just wanna make the wo(ooooo)rld dance, forget about the price tag". I had to pull over because it sent me into a fit of rage.
NO JESSIE J-WALKER (burn) (proud of that one), THE REAL WORLD DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. Sure, I'd love to forget about the price tag. But sadly the staff at American Apparel don't.
5. BEING YOUR OWN BOSS (GOOD)
I hated my old boss. People used to write "[Boss' name] is a c$%@" everywhere over the store because he was, well, a c$%@ (censoring extreme language for the strong conservative Amish following I've attracted). Then he'd respond to the criticism in a c$%@-like manner and would be surprised when another 5 C-words sprung up out-of-nowhere. #GoodPR
I hated my old supervisors, too. Once this guy made me carry two bins down an escalator even though I warned him that my feeble arms wouldn't be up for the job. Then he made me clean up the mess when said bins made their inevitable fall down the escalator (taking me down with them).
Clearly I've had bad experiences with jobs in the past. Well I don't have to deal with any of that abuse anymore. I'm my own boss. Now I get to decide when I want to tumble down an escalator with two bins full of rotten popcorn. Now I get to yell at myself in the mirror when I write "Dylan is a c$%@" around the house. It's great.
6. MONEY, OR LACK THEREOF (BAD)
"I want to buy you something, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY". You said it, The Drums. But I can't even buy anything for myself, let alone someone else. Sadly, all the daytime TV, guilt-free hangovers and freedom in the world doesn't make up for the fact that I'm borderline broke.
2. THE DOCTORS (BAD)
I HATE THE DOCTORS. The Doctors is a satanic show that lives in the darkest caves of the daytime TV realm. Next to Dr. Phil and Judge Judy. If you haven't seen it before (you lucky soul) it's a fucking terrible show that's always on when you finally decide to emerge from your room sporting a hangove- OH GOD WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT TOE FUNGI #WobblesBackIntoRoomToHaveAnotherNap. Well, it's even more inescapable when you're jobless and at home most afternoons. I honestly don't know how this show even exists. I have to stop talking about it because it's legitimately putting me in a sour mood.
"We diagnose you with AN HOUR OF SHIT TELEVISION"
3. GUILT-FREE HANGOVERS (GOOD)
When I'm out my friends are always like: "oh man, I have work at 9 tomorrow morning". Then I laugh in their face because at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning I have a date with The Circle Galz and my couch (hi-5, Yumi). Then the next day they'll tell me about how awful work was and how they regretted that third electric pink Cruiser. Then I simply brag to them about all the funny things #TheCircleGalz talked about. Therefore not having a job basically means sinking Cruisers without any hesitation or remorse. Pure bliss.
When I'm out my friends are always like: "oh man, I have work at 9 tomorrow morning". Then I laugh in their face because at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning I have a date with The Circle Galz and my couch (hi-5, Yumi). Then the next day they'll tell me about how awful work was and how they regretted that third electric pink Cruiser. Then I simply brag to them about all the funny things #TheCircleGalz talked about. Therefore not having a job basically means sinking Cruisers without any hesitation or remorse. Pure bliss.
4. BEING TAUNTED BY SONGS ABOUT MONEY (BAD)
What's 50 grand worth to a muhfucker like you, Jay Z? You want me to remind you? Oh wait, that's a rhetorical question. You're implying that it means nothing. WELL I'LL GLADLY RELIEVE YOU OF THAT CASH. #CapitalistPig
Or what about 'Price Tag' by Jessie J? I was driving around town the other day when it came on the radio. "We don't need your money, money, money," she teases. "We just wanna make the wo(ooooo)rld dance, forget about the price tag". I had to pull over because it sent me into a fit of rage.
NO JESSIE J-WALKER (burn) (proud of that one), THE REAL WORLD DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. Sure, I'd love to forget about the price tag. But sadly the staff at American Apparel don't.
It IS about the, ye, cha-chang-cha-chang. It IS about the, ye, bla-bling-bla-bling.
5. BEING YOUR OWN BOSS (GOOD)
I hated my old boss. People used to write "[Boss' name] is a c$%@" everywhere over the store because he was, well, a c$%@ (censoring extreme language for the strong conservative Amish following I've attracted). Then he'd respond to the criticism in a c$%@-like manner and would be surprised when another 5 C-words sprung up out-of-nowhere. #GoodPR
I hated my old supervisors, too. Once this guy made me carry two bins down an escalator even though I warned him that my feeble arms wouldn't be up for the job. Then he made me clean up the mess when said bins made their inevitable fall down the escalator (taking me down with them).
Clearly I've had bad experiences with jobs in the past. Well I don't have to deal with any of that abuse anymore. I'm my own boss. Now I get to decide when I want to tumble down an escalator with two bins full of rotten popcorn. Now I get to yell at myself in the mirror when I write "Dylan is a c$%@" around the house. It's great.
6. MONEY, OR LACK THEREOF (BAD)
"I want to buy you something, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY". You said it, The Drums. But I can't even buy anything for myself, let alone someone else. Sadly, all the daytime TV, guilt-free hangovers and freedom in the world doesn't make up for the fact that I'm borderline broke.
#MeAtSubway
Playlist #2- CAT HART IC
Enough about unemployment, more about music! I made another 8tracks playlist the other day. This one features some brand new stuff from the likes of Purity Ring and M.I.A, as well as still-new-but-not-brand-new tracks from Beat Culture, Paradis and MMOTHS. It starts off dance-y and gradually becomes more mellow after the halfway mark. Enjoy.
