UNEMPLOYMENT

BEST AND WORST THINGS ABOUT UNEMPLOYMENT

Unemployment. When you hear (or see) that word you automatically conjure images of people standing in the line at Centrelink with scruffy beards, don't you?

Well, I'm unemployed. And I'm pretty sure I don't have a scruffy beard. But that's only because I'm genetically incapable. I weep every time a Gilette ad comes on. Sometimes I collect my cat's stray hairs, glue them to my face and then shave them off just so I can experience the sensation of shaving. Nor am I typing this from the line at Centrelink. I'm in a blanket cocoon on my bed typing with my nose so my arms aren't exposed to the cold. #yoloswag

Overall, being unemployed is a double-edged sword. It's actually not entirely bad. In fact, sometimes it can be really good. It gives you freedom and a generally stress-free lifestyle. I often find myself climbing the big tree in my frontyard and screaming CAPITALIST PIGS at people in my spare time. I'd never be able to do that if I had a job. But yes, other times it can be shit. I also often find myself armed with a sharp rock scraping bark off aforementioned tree in an attempt to make my own money because apparently you 'can't pay the baker' with a 'jar of saliva'.

#MoneyTreeWishesHeExisted #SoDoIBro #So #Do #I #:(

Here are the Best & Worst Things About Being Unemployed:

1. WATCHING DAYTIME TV (GOOD)

I LOVE DAYTIME TV. I wake up at 9 to watch the The Circle, then it's Wurrawhy at 11:30, followed by Ellen at 12 and Ready Steady Cook at 2. Such a beautiful, jobless routine. While you suckers are 'working' and 'making a living', I'm catching up with The Circle Galz and discussing all things from cinnamon cake to Lara Bingle. Heaven- oh it's a place on earth alright.

2. THE DOCTORS (BAD)
I HATE THE DOCTORS. The Doctors is a satanic show that lives in the darkest caves of the daytime TV realm. Next to Dr. Phil and Judge Judy. If you haven't seen it before (you lucky soul) it's a fucking terrible show that's always on when you finally decide to emerge from your room sporting a hangove- OH GOD WHY ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT TOE FUNGI #WobblesBackIntoRoomToHaveAnotherNap. Well, it's even more inescapable when you're jobless and at home most afternoons. I honestly don't know how this show even exists. I have to stop talking about it because it's legitimately putting me in a sour mood.

"We diagnose you with AN HOUR OF SHIT TELEVISION"

3. GUILT-FREE HANGOVERS (GOOD)
When I'm out my friends are always like: "oh man, I have work at 9 tomorrow morning". Then I laugh in their face because at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning I have a date with The Circle Galz and my couch (hi-5, Yumi). Then the next day they'll tell me about how awful work was and how they regretted that third electric pink Cruiser. Then I simply brag to them about all the funny things #TheCircleGalz talked about. Therefore not having a job basically means sinking Cruisers without any hesitation or remorse. Pure bliss.

4. BEING TAUNTED BY SONGS ABOUT MONEY (BAD)

Sure, I don't have much money, but I don't like to be reminded of that sad fact. However, you'd be surprised to find how many songs there are about money. They won't leave me alone. 
What's 50 grand worth to a muhfucker like you, Jay Z? You want me to remind you? Oh wait, that's a rhetorical question. You're implying that it means nothing. WELL I'LL GLADLY RELIEVE YOU OF THAT CASH. #CapitalistPig
Or what about 'Price Tag' by Jessie J? I was driving around town the other day when it came on the radio. "We don't need your money, money, money," she teases. "We just wanna make the wo(ooooo)rld dance, forget about the price tag". I had to pull over because it sent me into a fit of rage.
NO JESSIE J-WALKER (burn) (proud of that one), THE REAL WORLD DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY. Sure, I'd love to forget about the price tag. But sadly the staff at American Apparel don't.

It IS about the, ye, cha-chang-cha-chang. It IS about the, ye, bla-bling-bla-bling.

5. BEING YOUR OWN BOSS (GOOD)
I hated my old boss. People used to write "[Boss' name] is a c$%@" everywhere over the store because he was, well, a c$%@ (censoring extreme language for the strong conservative Amish following I've attracted). Then he'd respond to the criticism in a c$%@-like manner and would be surprised when another 5 C-words sprung up out-of-nowhere. #GoodPR
I hated my old supervisors, too. Once this guy made me carry two bins down an escalator even though I warned him that my feeble arms wouldn't be up for the job. Then he made me clean up the mess when said bins made their inevitable fall down the escalator (taking me down with them).
Clearly I've had bad experiences with jobs in the past. Well I don't have to deal with any of that abuse anymore. I'm my own boss. Now I get to decide when I want to tumble down an escalator with two bins full of rotten popcorn. Now I get to yell at myself in the mirror when I write "Dylan is a c$%@" around the house. It's great.

6. MONEY, OR LACK THEREOF (BAD)
"I want to buy you something, BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY". You said it, The Drums. But I can't even buy anything for myself, let alone someone else. Sadly, all the daytime TV, guilt-free hangovers and freedom in the world doesn't make up for the fact that I'm borderline broke.

#MeAtSubway

Playlist #2- CAT HART IC

Enough about unemployment, more about music! I made another 8tracks playlist the other day. This one features some brand new stuff from the likes of Purity Ring and M.I.A, as well as still-new-but-not-brand-new tracks from Beat Culture, Paradis and MMOTHS. It starts off dance-y and gradually becomes more mellow after the halfway mark. Enjoy.

CAT HART IC from dylanmccarthy on 8tracks Radio.

TIME

Today's post will cover an array of serious topics an-- NO PLEASE DON'T LEAVE. Give me a chance. Take a chance on me. Actually, considering that I just accidentally quoted Abba, you can leave if you want to. But at least scroll down and listen to the fresh, funky, fuNNy, frUitY (have I persuaded you yet) playlist that I made especially for you. Yes, YOU!
Now that we've sorted the weeds from... from t-the flowers (that's not even a thing) (but I'm pretty much calling u a flower so don't complain) I want to talk about TIME.

This topic was inspired by Days Of Our Lives. I tune in almost every day to get my fix of people-with-freakishly-white-teeth-talking-to-each-other-without-any-attempt-of-making-eye-contact but this time, more so than others, I was struck by the existential implications of the theme song.

The rhythmic violins quickly lulled me into a dream-like state and my eyes became transfixed on the hypnotic hourglass spinning in its clockwise rotation. And finally when the majestic "DAYS OF OUR LIVES" title emerged in the foreground I couldn't help but think about life and how short it is (lol I think I'm the first person to ever think about these crazy connections. #revolutionary #deep #poet #poetic #poetry #shakespeare)

#LikeSandsThroughTheHourglass #SoTooAreTheDaysOfOurLives #WhatIsLifeWhatIsDeath

It's been more than two weeks since I last posted and I honestly don't know what I've done in that time. It's just a vague blur of:

• drinking passion pop like this random woman on google images
• my card getting rejected at Subway because apparently I don't even have $7.95 to my name
• crying because of my card getting rejected at Subway and I don't have $7.95 to my name
• being inspired by YOLO
• staring at this photo for 3 days straight and wondering what life means
• tearing up and shouting "GOOD ON HER" over and over again when an old woman won $100,000 on Hot Seat
• and drunkenly walking into a sliding glass door at 7/11 (lol is that why I can't remember anything) (I mean there was lots of blood and I passed out for 5 hours but I don't think that rly means anything haha =])

As you can see with the above list, it seems that I'm quickly spiralling into a life of mundanity. Time is escaping me. Have I hit rock bottom? Is that why all my friends and family are surrounding me right now, crying on each other's shoulders and screaming 'stop doing this to yourself' at me :S? Also what does 'intervention' mean?
But as a journalism/ PR/ media student I know that I'll have to get used to this life. You know, since Gina Rinehart (who suspiciously has the same name and same body shape as Gina Lash) ate 18% of Fairfax. And, you know, since I can't even get a job at the local supermarket. I think I just wanna become a full-time blanket cocoon now. Either that or a duckling.

Playlist #1- SORE TOOTH

On these loosely connected themes of time, crying about subway sandwiches and the inevitability of my failed career in journalism, I think it's a perfectly optimistic moment to shut up and hand you over to the new playlist. This time I've put it on 8tracks so you can actually play it through in its entirety.

SORE TOOTH from dylanmccarthy on 8tracks Radio.

MOONRISE KINGDOM

So, like, I'm Currently Obssessing Over, Like...

Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom

Last night I watched The Royal Tenenbaums. In my winter cave, of course (lol look at me making connections between blog posts). I hadn't watched it in over a year and I forgot how brilliant it was. And how brilliant Wes Anderson is.

Then I remembered Anderon's upcoming release, Moonrise Kingdom, his first since Fantastic Mr. Fox in 2009.

If you haven't seen the trailer already (how's that rock you're living under) (oh no I'm alienating my audience) (lol is it possible to have a negative number of readers) you should definitely watch it now. And if you have seen it, watch it another 8 or 9 times.

I don't know what it is about Moonrise Kingdom that looks so amazing. I mean, the cast looks okay? There's Edward Norton, Bruce Willis, Francis McDormand, Bill Murray, TILDA SWINTON- oh crap I'm running out of breath. Actually, EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THIS MOVIE LOOKS AMAZING. I think I initially got sucked in by the scout uniforms. It really struck a chord with my inner 8-year-old who always longed to join the cub scouts. He didn't really want to be 'playing tennis'. No. He wanted to be across the road, collecting badges and baking cookies. That's where he truly belonged.

Anyway. When you watch the trailer you can't help but think: "I should've been born in the 60s". I know, I know. You hate people who say that. But you don't have a choice. You will be like every 13 year old girl who just listened to Lana Del Rey for the first time and swears she should've been born in the 60s because Lana's hair is 60s, her clothes are 60s and omg I have blue jeans and a white shirt too I SHOULD'VE BEEN BORN IN THE 60S.

Because of this 60s vibe, I think Moonrise Kingdom is the perfect movie to be seen at a drive-in. I've never actually been to a drive-in cinema before (shock! Horror!) but it's my goal this winter to go to one, so it should be yours too. Because I control you. Now put your knife into the baby goat. Also, according to IMDB it comes out in Australia in August, so I think that calls for a... WINTER CAVE: CAR EDITION.

So do yourself a favour. When the time comes, grab some friends, a car, a pile of blankets, a thermal filled with warm milk and pretend, just for one night, that you should've been born in the 60s. Go on, you deserve it.

WINTER SURVIVAL GUIDE

Winter is right around the corner. That means it's almost that time of year when our beds become our best friends again, more so than ever. Our lives are reduced to a cheesy Hilary Duff video clip as we dramatically gaze out at the rainy landscape around us, wondering if it's all some kind of larger metaphor for life. Is that just me? Probably.

"I'm just a bird that's already flown away" - Hilary, fishing for metaphors.

But you know what? I love winter. I love not moving from my bed and I love pretending that I'm Hilary Duff. It's time to embrace your impending hibernation, because let's face it, braving the cold every single weekend isn't always appealing.

So, without further ado, here are my TOP 5 TIPS FOR WINNING AT WINTER ('win' and 'winter' do u get it lol).

1. DITCH YOUR BEST FRIEND.

You don't need them when you have a perfectly good bed. Humans are irrelevant when you have a bed with a nice spongy mattress and 435602 blankets. Sorry Sally Smith, my childhood best friend, but consider yourself DITCHED.

2. MAKE YOUR HIBERNATION CAVE

Everyone needs a hibernation cave. Something like this:

However, admittedly, that's more like an early-to-mid-autumn cave rather than the heavy-duty-winter cave that we're after. Aim for something like this but a) make it on top of your bed, b) have 435602 more blankets and c) you'll need infinity more CAT PILLOWS (you can never have enough cat pillows).

3. DISCOVER THE HIDDEN POTENTIAL OF TOASTERS

I'm sick of toasters being under appreciated. You know how TVs have migrated from the lounge room to the kitchen? Well, I think it's time that the good-old-fashioned toaster gets a bit of the limelight and infiltrates other rooms of the house, too. Starting with the bedroom.

The must have accessory of this winter is a TOASTER ON YOUR BEDSIDE TABLE. Who wants to have to 'get up' and 'go to the kitchen' to 'make toast'? No-one.

Congratulations! Your winter is now filled with endless amounts of avocado on toast. Thank me later. (note: you should also have a basket of avocados in your cave at all times)

4. DRESS LIKE YOU'RE IN THE ARMY

Fun fact: everyone becomes 3x more attractive when they're wearing army print. So, for those rare and regretful moments when we're forced to go outside (shudder), you're going to need an army jacket to keep you nice and warm. I've currently got my eye on this one by Jesen, available online at Comeback Kid. 

Army/ camo is easily my favourite trend this winter and GRIMES WEARS ARMY JACKETS AND I'LL DO ANYTHING SHE WANTS ME TO, SO SIGN ME UP.

(Another fun fact: I once slaughtered a baby goat because Grimes told me to. The carcass now sits in the western-most corner of my winter cave for feng shui purposes. It has fermented very nicely.)

Look into my eyes, Dylan. Now put your knife into that baby goat...

5. WHISK UP A WONDERFUL WINTER PLAYLIST

Probably the most essential thing you need to win winter. Personally, I enjoy a balance between mellow vibes and dance-y vibes in my winter playlist, mainly so the rain doesn't get me down-in-the-dumps. See if some of these songs are worthy of entering your playlist:

Beach House- Lazuli
Zoo Kid- Ocean Bed

Purity Ring- Obedear

Baio- Sunburn Modern
Beat Culture- Useless

Dante- Next To You
World's End Press- Second Day Uptown

On that note, I'm returning to my hibernation. Avocado toast and green tea awaits me. Ciao.

LAGOON OF YOUTH

So, like, I'm Currently Obssessing Over, Like...

Youth Lagoon - The Year Of Hibernation

Last week I nabbed some tickets to Youth Lagoon’s Splendour sideshow in July, which I’m insanely excited about, so recently I’ve been dedicating a lot of my 30 minute Uni commute to my dear-friend-who-doesn’t-know-we’re-friends-yet, the mastermind behind Youth Lagoon, Trevor Powers.

I couldn’t stop playing this album when it dropped in September last year. And I haven't really stopped since. There’s something about it that lulls you into some weird nostalgic state (with tracks like “July” and “Montana”) and you find yourself thinking about how good childhood was and how stressful Uni is and then you start crying uncontrollably. But then, contrastingly, there’s even more happy songs that you can bop along to, like “Daydream” and “Cannons”. The washed out, lo-fi vocals (which were achieved by recording his own voice echoing in his friend’s basement) seem to have either one of those effects, and sometimes both at the same time.

Favorite track(s):

“July” is probably my #1 tune on The Year Of Hibernation. I look at the song as having two distinct halves. The first almost-three-minutes is almost ambient, with Powers oo-ing and oh-ing in a catchy tune that you’ll probably find yourself whistling on the way to work. Then someone in a car throws rotten fruit at you. Then you're forced to explain to your boss why your clothes are covered in rotten fruit. And then, finally, it kicks in, with the vocals suddenly transforming into a shout. And then the catchy ooo’s are back and OH ITS JUST PERFECT and then it ends and it’s all just so cathartic and nostalgic and oh crap I’m crying again. Superb track.

(Also, you should definitely watch the video clip. It’s one of my favourite clips ever. It’s super intense and reminds me of the movie 'Melancholia').

AGEING

My life is pretty much over. 

If my life was one of those sand-hourglass-egg-timer-things, it'd only have a few grains left to spare. The egg, a symbol of my life, would almost be boiled.

Sure, I've just turned 18, but those two digits might as well be reversed.

This realisation, that I'm actually ageing, and fast, rudely hit me when I was on the bus the other day. I realised that, hang on, I'm not 8 anymore. So I probably shouldn’t be wearing velcro runners with little lights in the soles that flicker whenever I run after mummy. Yep, I should probably take these off.

#Not8Anymore #BonusChildhoodPicture #TellMeImCuteLol

What triggered this epiphany? It was the horrid sound of laughter. Laughter belonging to youth. The laughter of those lucky ones with their lives still ahead of them. The laughter of those with unwrinkled skin.

When I heard the laughter, immediately I involuntarily turned around and glared at the pimple-faced culprit with a level of conviction I’d never achieved before. It was as if I was possessed by an angry tax payer. My reaction mirrored the 80ish year old man sitting next to me. Though I was a bit confused about what just overcame me, I joined him in a harmonised scoff of “ugh, teenage dirtbag” (baby) and a hi-5.

Proud of my efforts, I turned back around. But that’s when I caught my reflection in the bus window.

I realised, for the first time, that my face looked rather weathered. My eyes, too, looked different. No longer did they shine with the unencumbered freedom of childhood. Rather, they looked dim. Dim with concerns about superannuation. I then finally looked at the roll of yarn and half-completed scarf sitting my lap and it became obvious.

I’m old. Old. OLD.

In a panic I started to interrogate old man Jimbo sitting next to me. When did this happen? What were the warning signs? Why did it take so long for me to notice? HELP ME JIMBO I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE ONE OF YOU. I grabbed him by the scruff of his accidentally trendy Cosby sweater but he simply laughed in my face. In horror, I turned back and looked at the teen with desperation. As if she could somehow save me from my impending doom. She took no notice of me. That's when Jimbo threw the scarf he had been knitting at me. IT'S TOO LATE DYLAN, YOU'RE ONE OF US NOW. Etched in the itchy fabric read: "ur old dylan lol just face it". And that's when I accepted my fate and wrapped the scarf around my neck.

Since then, I've caught myself flicking through junkmail. I also nearly sent an angry email to Metro. Then there’s the whole inability-to-function-properly-unless-I’ve-inhaled-4-short-blacks-in-the-morning thing. Also deserving of a mention are the naps I take on the train home from uni, without feeling a single ounce of shame. And I think I've got odd patterned socks on at the moment. I wasn't even trying to be ironic.

From this, if anything, I've realised (albeit, too late) that life is short. Don’t waste it like I did. Look at me, I just used the word 'albeit'. But there’s still hope for you. Learn from my mistakes. Go on... w-without me.

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to my blog. I didn’t expect anyone to be here. Sorry that it’s all dusty and whatnot. Here, have a stale cookie. 
Wow, human company is weird. Sorry. It's been a while.

Anyway, I’m one of those pesky journalism/ PR/ media students (specifically an RMIT one) and I have big ambitions of starting a nice little blog with nice little readers. You know, the modern day American Dream.

I’m hoping that this place will be (shortly) transformed into a mix of various things reflecting my various interests. There'll be music posts about what I’m ‘digging’ week-to-week; stupid blog posts that are essentially stupid tweets stretched out beyond 140 characters; the occasional fashun post, and eVeRyThInG iN bEtWeEn!

So stick around! Stay tuned!